Hit my goal weight!!!! Life is Fabulous!

Hello everyone!!!  I haven't written a blog post in a while but thought it was time.  Our finances near the end of winter are limited and I can't really use the internet as free wheeling as before since we only use it through the data on our phones.  This also means that streaming my workout videos through www.revoltnowfitness.com is a no no.  Of course buying diverse groceries to fit the meal plans is also difficult to fit into a tight budget.  So I have been using recipes from past weeks and trying my best to drink my water and not eat any crap.  I have some of the videos downloaded and saved on my computer but just have not felt overly motivated to workout lately.  I fell into a happy little rut where I felt pretty good about the way I look and didn't feel the need to push myself.  Gratefully, just by eating reasonably well I've slowly but surely dropped those last few pounds and hit my goal!!!! 150 pounds!!!  (actually 149.2 this morning!!!)  my measurements have not really changed and my body fat % has gone down a tiny bit (by my measurements i'm around 25% right now) Woo hoo!!!!!!  I really do look and feel fantastic!  I am proud of myself for working so hard and finally hitting the goal... but I'm not done yet!

My hubby's work hours have changed a little, he works noon till 9 most days.  He often misses out on spending time with the kids since he likes to sleep late in the mornings :P   After discussing this thoroughly, he agreed to let me start going to the gym first thing in the morning and that he would start rising early to get the big kids off to school and spend the morning watching cartoons with the little kids!  I think this is a fabulous division of parenting labour!  I am really excited to start the next phase of my fitness journey!  I am not necessarily trying to lose any weight but work at maintaining my loss, keeping fit and healthy and hopefully toning up the inevitably "loose skin" I have from losing 90 pounds!  There is of course this little part of me that hopes to see an additional 10 pounds come off... this would mean I'd have lost a grand total of 100 pounds (!!!!) AND I would surely weigh less than my slim built hubby who lingers around 145-150 pounds.  Plus in looking at my body I definitely still have some fat I could lose in my belly, butt and thighs.  It is definitely a healthy goal weight based on my height of 5'8 and that I land between a small-medium build.

I found this chart here... http://www.dimensionsinfo.com/height-weight-chart/

Height Weight Chart for Women

Height Small Build Medium Build Large Build 
4’10"    102-111    109-121      118-131
4’11"    103-113    111-123      120-134
5’0"     104-115    113-126      122-137
5’1"     106-118    115-129      125-140
5’2"     108-121    118-132      128-143
5’3"     111-124    121-135      131-147
5’4"     114-127    124-138      134-151
5’5"     117-130    127-141      137-155
5’6"     120-133    130-144      140-159
5’7"     123-136    133-147      143-163
5’8"     126-139    136-150      146-167
5’9"     129-142    139-153      149-170
5’10"    132-145    142-156      152-173
5’11"    135-148    145-159      155-176
6’0      138-151    148-162      158-179

Things on the home front worth sharing.  Kids are doing wonderfully!  My oldest daughter just celebrated her 8th birthday :-O  They just seem to be growing up so fast!  Their ages currently are 2,4,6 & 8.  The never-ending winter seems to finally be drawing to a close as we are finally having temps above freezing and the snow is beginning to melt!!!  Bring on the season of MUD!  I have been babysitting for my neighbour part-time, which at first made me nervous because I was feeling so disconnected from kids/parenting for a while but I have really been working through those feelings and actually enjoy being a mom again!!!  Having her children come to play with mine a couple days a week has actually been a wonderful change of pace for me and my kids!  Plus earning a little bit of money is giving me some extra spending cash that I don't have to ask for which is fabulous for my self-esteem! 

Speaking of earning money, I have a potential job opportunity for the fall.  I really really hope that I get the position!  It is a part time EA (education assistant) job at a hutterite colony.  I would not make a lot of money but it would be ideal.  I would leave at the same time as my big kids board their bus and be back before they get home.  I would get the same basic holidays as them and it would be easy to bring them along on the days that conflict!  Also, there would be inexpensive child care available for my two littles!  Good grief, it just sounds so perfect!!!

In the meanwhile I am earnestly awaiting the arrival of summer.  It's going to be a busy one!  I have an exciting trip planned to visit an old high school friend and go white water rafting for her bachelorette party.  Plus there are 3 weddings to attend, one of which my hubby and I are going to get a babysitter for and take a mini-holiday together <3 <3   I also plan to put the kids in swimming lessons and otherwise enjoy the summer by spending lots of time at various parks, splash-pads and rainy days at the local libraries!  So lets see if I can get myself swimsuit ready at the gym!!!

S.A.D.

A New Year has a way of bringing out the best intentions in people and I won't ever try to claim that the idea of setting new goals for a New Year is a silly idea because I think resetting our goals is a fabulous idea!  I finally did my www.revoltnowfitness.com workout again!  I loved it and I was happy doing it!!!  I'm eating the meal plan again starting today as well! 

So now for the personal backstory. Why did I suddenly stop blogging and more importantly working out and eating right?  Part of me wants to keep some of these things to myself but I feel that it is important to share some of these details to shed some light on a particular issue.... Depression. 

If physical ailments were treated like mental disorders.
 

For YEARS my loving husband has told me that I get horribly depressed every winter.  I have always argued with him.  I didn't feel that I fit that description and always said that I'm just a little cabin-fevered.  I also picked on circumstances.  Ultimately, I put a lot of blame on my husband.  "if you'd help with the kids more, help around the house more, work less, work more, clean up the yard, fix the broken things in the house...etc etc"  whatever he was doing was never enough to make me happy and I now know I drove him away.  He now tells me that he gave up on making me happy after last winter.  As a result he was away a LOT this spring/summer/fall.  Not just for work but for any reason or social outing he could find, he was gone.  On weekends he often didn't come home until the next morning.  He ignored my calls, didn't return my text messages and even shut his phone off regularly.  It was so hard.  I was so sad and I actually got so depressed even I could tell I was depressed and having severe anxiety issues.  I don't think anyone else would have known because it all centered around home...and I hid it.  I was embarrassed to acknowledge what was happening.  But if I was out and socializing, I felt fine... it was only at home that I was miserable.  I started going out a lot too.  I would leave and drive to the city for the smallest things just so that I didn't have to be at home.  But the difference for me was that I had all four of our beautiful kids with me.  I began to resent them.  Resent the fact that I was doing the brunt of the parenting.  I even started trying to get rid of the kids as often as I possibly could.  Leaving them with babysitters whenever I possibly could.  All this was happening despite the fact that I was finally losing the weight I had so long and desperately wanted to lose.  I used that too, as a reason for my feelings... "once I lose this weight, I'll feel better"  I think it was probably the only thing that kept me reasonably sane.  The focus of following the fitness plan and having the relationships with the other people online who were working towards a common goal with me. 

So as fall came and my husband and I were having one of our now frequent fights about his behaviour he expressed to me that I should get on anti-depressants.  Now that made me irate!  How dare he behave like a teenager and shirk the responsibilities of his family and tell me that MY feelings were inappropriate and requiring medication!  But as we discussed this more I realized that his behaviour started just after a long cold winter of me blaming him and treating him poorly due to my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  He was right.  It surely does not justify his actions but it does explain what happened.  It took me some time to work up the courage to see a Dr.  I was now having anxiety and panic attacks almost every time my husband left the house.  I was also having anxiety attacks over the simplest things.  Like my workouts, meal plans, the kids misbehaving, anything was setting me off and making me cry, hyperventilate... just pretty much lose it. Again, if I left my house I could put on a smile and pretend everything was perfect.  I was constantly telling myself that I just needed to "get a grip" and "stop thinking negatively" But it wasn't working.  What scared me into action was that on a couple of occasions I actually had suicidal thoughts.  I realized that this pattern of negative thinking was getting so bad that I could not ignore it any longer.  I finally made an appointment with my Dr.

The Dr was so kind.  I explained a little bit of what had been happening and that it all could be traced back to Seasonal Affective Disorder that I had ignored every year for the past 6-8 years or so.  He gave me a prescription for a medication that is very low dose and mild.  Its used to treat S.A.D. but also given to people to help them quit smoking and for people who suffer from mild Attention Deficit Disorder.  The side effect list was not too long or scary and I happily started taking it hoping for the best!  I also had a long chat with my hubby and asked if we could have perfect conditions around the house for awhile.  Could he please be home more, answer my calls/texts, inform me of his whereabouts and help lots with kids and housework etc until we gave the medication a chance to work.  He agreed that was all a reasonable idea and was happy to see that I was willing to do something about the problem.  We both agreed that we love each other and would not want to give up on our relationship.

I started taking the medication exactly 4 weeks ago and I am happy to report that I feel that it is working :)  I am able to stop negative thinking when it starts...and that used to be impossible!  Once my mind would get chugging along thinking that way it was like a runaway freight train!  My hubby has been following through with his end of the bargain so I haven't had to worry about him and I've been able to just focus on my relationship with my kids and my feelings about being home.  I wish that I had done something sooner.  I think we could have avoided this past year of strain in our family.  I think that it will take a bit more time to rebuild the trust that has been broken. 

In the meantime, somehow over the past few months I have managed to maintain my weight loss and actually since my last blog post I lost another 2 pounds.  So I am 155 pounds.  I have a measly 5 pounds to lose to hit my original goal of 150.  I finally felt ready to tackle a workout today and it felt great!!!  I am hoping for good things this year! 

My resolutions for this year:
1. Rebuild the relationship with my husband.
2. Begin loving my role as a mother again. 
3. Continue on my fitness journey and cement it as a lifestyle change. 

This was a very difficult post to write, I've shed some tears to get this typed out. Its embarrassing to admit and it shouldn't have to be.  I hope anyone reading this realizes that ignoring mental health issues can have dangerous results.