S.A.D.

A New Year has a way of bringing out the best intentions in people and I won't ever try to claim that the idea of setting new goals for a New Year is a silly idea because I think resetting our goals is a fabulous idea!  I finally did my www.revoltnowfitness.com workout again!  I loved it and I was happy doing it!!!  I'm eating the meal plan again starting today as well! 

So now for the personal backstory. Why did I suddenly stop blogging and more importantly working out and eating right?  Part of me wants to keep some of these things to myself but I feel that it is important to share some of these details to shed some light on a particular issue.... Depression. 

If physical ailments were treated like mental disorders.
 

For YEARS my loving husband has told me that I get horribly depressed every winter.  I have always argued with him.  I didn't feel that I fit that description and always said that I'm just a little cabin-fevered.  I also picked on circumstances.  Ultimately, I put a lot of blame on my husband.  "if you'd help with the kids more, help around the house more, work less, work more, clean up the yard, fix the broken things in the house...etc etc"  whatever he was doing was never enough to make me happy and I now know I drove him away.  He now tells me that he gave up on making me happy after last winter.  As a result he was away a LOT this spring/summer/fall.  Not just for work but for any reason or social outing he could find, he was gone.  On weekends he often didn't come home until the next morning.  He ignored my calls, didn't return my text messages and even shut his phone off regularly.  It was so hard.  I was so sad and I actually got so depressed even I could tell I was depressed and having severe anxiety issues.  I don't think anyone else would have known because it all centered around home...and I hid it.  I was embarrassed to acknowledge what was happening.  But if I was out and socializing, I felt fine... it was only at home that I was miserable.  I started going out a lot too.  I would leave and drive to the city for the smallest things just so that I didn't have to be at home.  But the difference for me was that I had all four of our beautiful kids with me.  I began to resent them.  Resent the fact that I was doing the brunt of the parenting.  I even started trying to get rid of the kids as often as I possibly could.  Leaving them with babysitters whenever I possibly could.  All this was happening despite the fact that I was finally losing the weight I had so long and desperately wanted to lose.  I used that too, as a reason for my feelings... "once I lose this weight, I'll feel better"  I think it was probably the only thing that kept me reasonably sane.  The focus of following the fitness plan and having the relationships with the other people online who were working towards a common goal with me. 

So as fall came and my husband and I were having one of our now frequent fights about his behaviour he expressed to me that I should get on anti-depressants.  Now that made me irate!  How dare he behave like a teenager and shirk the responsibilities of his family and tell me that MY feelings were inappropriate and requiring medication!  But as we discussed this more I realized that his behaviour started just after a long cold winter of me blaming him and treating him poorly due to my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  He was right.  It surely does not justify his actions but it does explain what happened.  It took me some time to work up the courage to see a Dr.  I was now having anxiety and panic attacks almost every time my husband left the house.  I was also having anxiety attacks over the simplest things.  Like my workouts, meal plans, the kids misbehaving, anything was setting me off and making me cry, hyperventilate... just pretty much lose it. Again, if I left my house I could put on a smile and pretend everything was perfect.  I was constantly telling myself that I just needed to "get a grip" and "stop thinking negatively" But it wasn't working.  What scared me into action was that on a couple of occasions I actually had suicidal thoughts.  I realized that this pattern of negative thinking was getting so bad that I could not ignore it any longer.  I finally made an appointment with my Dr.

The Dr was so kind.  I explained a little bit of what had been happening and that it all could be traced back to Seasonal Affective Disorder that I had ignored every year for the past 6-8 years or so.  He gave me a prescription for a medication that is very low dose and mild.  Its used to treat S.A.D. but also given to people to help them quit smoking and for people who suffer from mild Attention Deficit Disorder.  The side effect list was not too long or scary and I happily started taking it hoping for the best!  I also had a long chat with my hubby and asked if we could have perfect conditions around the house for awhile.  Could he please be home more, answer my calls/texts, inform me of his whereabouts and help lots with kids and housework etc until we gave the medication a chance to work.  He agreed that was all a reasonable idea and was happy to see that I was willing to do something about the problem.  We both agreed that we love each other and would not want to give up on our relationship.

I started taking the medication exactly 4 weeks ago and I am happy to report that I feel that it is working :)  I am able to stop negative thinking when it starts...and that used to be impossible!  Once my mind would get chugging along thinking that way it was like a runaway freight train!  My hubby has been following through with his end of the bargain so I haven't had to worry about him and I've been able to just focus on my relationship with my kids and my feelings about being home.  I wish that I had done something sooner.  I think we could have avoided this past year of strain in our family.  I think that it will take a bit more time to rebuild the trust that has been broken. 

In the meantime, somehow over the past few months I have managed to maintain my weight loss and actually since my last blog post I lost another 2 pounds.  So I am 155 pounds.  I have a measly 5 pounds to lose to hit my original goal of 150.  I finally felt ready to tackle a workout today and it felt great!!!  I am hoping for good things this year! 

My resolutions for this year:
1. Rebuild the relationship with my husband.
2. Begin loving my role as a mother again. 
3. Continue on my fitness journey and cement it as a lifestyle change. 

This was a very difficult post to write, I've shed some tears to get this typed out. Its embarrassing to admit and it shouldn't have to be.  I hope anyone reading this realizes that ignoring mental health issues can have dangerous results.