Hit my goal weight!!!! Life is Fabulous!

Hello everyone!!!  I haven't written a blog post in a while but thought it was time.  Our finances near the end of winter are limited and I can't really use the internet as free wheeling as before since we only use it through the data on our phones.  This also means that streaming my workout videos through www.revoltnowfitness.com is a no no.  Of course buying diverse groceries to fit the meal plans is also difficult to fit into a tight budget.  So I have been using recipes from past weeks and trying my best to drink my water and not eat any crap.  I have some of the videos downloaded and saved on my computer but just have not felt overly motivated to workout lately.  I fell into a happy little rut where I felt pretty good about the way I look and didn't feel the need to push myself.  Gratefully, just by eating reasonably well I've slowly but surely dropped those last few pounds and hit my goal!!!! 150 pounds!!!  (actually 149.2 this morning!!!)  my measurements have not really changed and my body fat % has gone down a tiny bit (by my measurements i'm around 25% right now) Woo hoo!!!!!!  I really do look and feel fantastic!  I am proud of myself for working so hard and finally hitting the goal... but I'm not done yet!

My hubby's work hours have changed a little, he works noon till 9 most days.  He often misses out on spending time with the kids since he likes to sleep late in the mornings :P   After discussing this thoroughly, he agreed to let me start going to the gym first thing in the morning and that he would start rising early to get the big kids off to school and spend the morning watching cartoons with the little kids!  I think this is a fabulous division of parenting labour!  I am really excited to start the next phase of my fitness journey!  I am not necessarily trying to lose any weight but work at maintaining my loss, keeping fit and healthy and hopefully toning up the inevitably "loose skin" I have from losing 90 pounds!  There is of course this little part of me that hopes to see an additional 10 pounds come off... this would mean I'd have lost a grand total of 100 pounds (!!!!) AND I would surely weigh less than my slim built hubby who lingers around 145-150 pounds.  Plus in looking at my body I definitely still have some fat I could lose in my belly, butt and thighs.  It is definitely a healthy goal weight based on my height of 5'8 and that I land between a small-medium build.

I found this chart here... http://www.dimensionsinfo.com/height-weight-chart/

Height Weight Chart for Women

Height Small Build Medium Build Large Build 
4’10"    102-111    109-121      118-131
4’11"    103-113    111-123      120-134
5’0"     104-115    113-126      122-137
5’1"     106-118    115-129      125-140
5’2"     108-121    118-132      128-143
5’3"     111-124    121-135      131-147
5’4"     114-127    124-138      134-151
5’5"     117-130    127-141      137-155
5’6"     120-133    130-144      140-159
5’7"     123-136    133-147      143-163
5’8"     126-139    136-150      146-167
5’9"     129-142    139-153      149-170
5’10"    132-145    142-156      152-173
5’11"    135-148    145-159      155-176
6’0      138-151    148-162      158-179

Things on the home front worth sharing.  Kids are doing wonderfully!  My oldest daughter just celebrated her 8th birthday :-O  They just seem to be growing up so fast!  Their ages currently are 2,4,6 & 8.  The never-ending winter seems to finally be drawing to a close as we are finally having temps above freezing and the snow is beginning to melt!!!  Bring on the season of MUD!  I have been babysitting for my neighbour part-time, which at first made me nervous because I was feeling so disconnected from kids/parenting for a while but I have really been working through those feelings and actually enjoy being a mom again!!!  Having her children come to play with mine a couple days a week has actually been a wonderful change of pace for me and my kids!  Plus earning a little bit of money is giving me some extra spending cash that I don't have to ask for which is fabulous for my self-esteem! 

Speaking of earning money, I have a potential job opportunity for the fall.  I really really hope that I get the position!  It is a part time EA (education assistant) job at a hutterite colony.  I would not make a lot of money but it would be ideal.  I would leave at the same time as my big kids board their bus and be back before they get home.  I would get the same basic holidays as them and it would be easy to bring them along on the days that conflict!  Also, there would be inexpensive child care available for my two littles!  Good grief, it just sounds so perfect!!!

In the meanwhile I am earnestly awaiting the arrival of summer.  It's going to be a busy one!  I have an exciting trip planned to visit an old high school friend and go white water rafting for her bachelorette party.  Plus there are 3 weddings to attend, one of which my hubby and I are going to get a babysitter for and take a mini-holiday together <3 <3   I also plan to put the kids in swimming lessons and otherwise enjoy the summer by spending lots of time at various parks, splash-pads and rainy days at the local libraries!  So lets see if I can get myself swimsuit ready at the gym!!!

S.A.D.

A New Year has a way of bringing out the best intentions in people and I won't ever try to claim that the idea of setting new goals for a New Year is a silly idea because I think resetting our goals is a fabulous idea!  I finally did my www.revoltnowfitness.com workout again!  I loved it and I was happy doing it!!!  I'm eating the meal plan again starting today as well! 

So now for the personal backstory. Why did I suddenly stop blogging and more importantly working out and eating right?  Part of me wants to keep some of these things to myself but I feel that it is important to share some of these details to shed some light on a particular issue.... Depression. 

If physical ailments were treated like mental disorders.
 

For YEARS my loving husband has told me that I get horribly depressed every winter.  I have always argued with him.  I didn't feel that I fit that description and always said that I'm just a little cabin-fevered.  I also picked on circumstances.  Ultimately, I put a lot of blame on my husband.  "if you'd help with the kids more, help around the house more, work less, work more, clean up the yard, fix the broken things in the house...etc etc"  whatever he was doing was never enough to make me happy and I now know I drove him away.  He now tells me that he gave up on making me happy after last winter.  As a result he was away a LOT this spring/summer/fall.  Not just for work but for any reason or social outing he could find, he was gone.  On weekends he often didn't come home until the next morning.  He ignored my calls, didn't return my text messages and even shut his phone off regularly.  It was so hard.  I was so sad and I actually got so depressed even I could tell I was depressed and having severe anxiety issues.  I don't think anyone else would have known because it all centered around home...and I hid it.  I was embarrassed to acknowledge what was happening.  But if I was out and socializing, I felt fine... it was only at home that I was miserable.  I started going out a lot too.  I would leave and drive to the city for the smallest things just so that I didn't have to be at home.  But the difference for me was that I had all four of our beautiful kids with me.  I began to resent them.  Resent the fact that I was doing the brunt of the parenting.  I even started trying to get rid of the kids as often as I possibly could.  Leaving them with babysitters whenever I possibly could.  All this was happening despite the fact that I was finally losing the weight I had so long and desperately wanted to lose.  I used that too, as a reason for my feelings... "once I lose this weight, I'll feel better"  I think it was probably the only thing that kept me reasonably sane.  The focus of following the fitness plan and having the relationships with the other people online who were working towards a common goal with me. 

So as fall came and my husband and I were having one of our now frequent fights about his behaviour he expressed to me that I should get on anti-depressants.  Now that made me irate!  How dare he behave like a teenager and shirk the responsibilities of his family and tell me that MY feelings were inappropriate and requiring medication!  But as we discussed this more I realized that his behaviour started just after a long cold winter of me blaming him and treating him poorly due to my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  He was right.  It surely does not justify his actions but it does explain what happened.  It took me some time to work up the courage to see a Dr.  I was now having anxiety and panic attacks almost every time my husband left the house.  I was also having anxiety attacks over the simplest things.  Like my workouts, meal plans, the kids misbehaving, anything was setting me off and making me cry, hyperventilate... just pretty much lose it. Again, if I left my house I could put on a smile and pretend everything was perfect.  I was constantly telling myself that I just needed to "get a grip" and "stop thinking negatively" But it wasn't working.  What scared me into action was that on a couple of occasions I actually had suicidal thoughts.  I realized that this pattern of negative thinking was getting so bad that I could not ignore it any longer.  I finally made an appointment with my Dr.

The Dr was so kind.  I explained a little bit of what had been happening and that it all could be traced back to Seasonal Affective Disorder that I had ignored every year for the past 6-8 years or so.  He gave me a prescription for a medication that is very low dose and mild.  Its used to treat S.A.D. but also given to people to help them quit smoking and for people who suffer from mild Attention Deficit Disorder.  The side effect list was not too long or scary and I happily started taking it hoping for the best!  I also had a long chat with my hubby and asked if we could have perfect conditions around the house for awhile.  Could he please be home more, answer my calls/texts, inform me of his whereabouts and help lots with kids and housework etc until we gave the medication a chance to work.  He agreed that was all a reasonable idea and was happy to see that I was willing to do something about the problem.  We both agreed that we love each other and would not want to give up on our relationship.

I started taking the medication exactly 4 weeks ago and I am happy to report that I feel that it is working :)  I am able to stop negative thinking when it starts...and that used to be impossible!  Once my mind would get chugging along thinking that way it was like a runaway freight train!  My hubby has been following through with his end of the bargain so I haven't had to worry about him and I've been able to just focus on my relationship with my kids and my feelings about being home.  I wish that I had done something sooner.  I think we could have avoided this past year of strain in our family.  I think that it will take a bit more time to rebuild the trust that has been broken. 

In the meantime, somehow over the past few months I have managed to maintain my weight loss and actually since my last blog post I lost another 2 pounds.  So I am 155 pounds.  I have a measly 5 pounds to lose to hit my original goal of 150.  I finally felt ready to tackle a workout today and it felt great!!!  I am hoping for good things this year! 

My resolutions for this year:
1. Rebuild the relationship with my husband.
2. Begin loving my role as a mother again. 
3. Continue on my fitness journey and cement it as a lifestyle change. 

This was a very difficult post to write, I've shed some tears to get this typed out. Its embarrassing to admit and it shouldn't have to be.  I hope anyone reading this realizes that ignoring mental health issues can have dangerous results.   
 

Bring back the rainbows!

I thought I was going to be awesome at this forever and I've kind of lost a little steam.  I seem to have a bit of a mental block with my workouts lately.  I do them but I'm just not putting as much into them as before.  I don't have the drive to just push myself harder, I don't sweat as much, and I seem to be able to just squeak out the bare minimum. 

Then there is the diet.  I am annoyed by the meal plans lately rather than excited.  She is still posting the most delicious looking meals, and I think that I'd like to make them... but then I read the ingredient list and think about how hard to find some of the ingredients might be or just that its a long list of ingredients and I'm instantly annoyed.  I ended up this week to just really simplify things.  I just made meals for my family and would eat whatever protein we were having plus a great big salad.  I think my lack of intensity in workouts combined with not eating quite as good as before could be why I'm not losing these last few pounds.  I've actually gained about a pound... ugh.  I realize this isn't that big of a deal and I'm sure I'll get back on track soon. 

I just wanted to share that this weightloss thing isn't always rainbows and butterflies!  I mean, I hope no one ever thinks its easy to lose weight.  It takes a lot of really hard work and determination!  I think that once you get your head into it and just really commit to it, it does feel easy.  But wow, times like these when I'm just not wanting to do it really suck.  I'm hoping to just power through this soon and find my groove again, I'm sure I will.

I wonder if part of the problem is that I'm in a bit of a happy rut with my body!  I honestly just love the way I look right now!  I can shop in any store I want!  I'm buying sizes that I haven't even glanced at in YEARS!  I also think that I'm enjoying my clothes right now.  For a while there I'd get so annoyed because I would buy myself a cute outfit and then "shrink" out of it before really getting to wear it much!  So now I'm actually wearing the same size long enough that I've accumulated a bit of a collection of outfits and I'm really really happy!  I am hoping that since I only have around 8 pounds left to lose that my size won't change and that instead my clothes will just fit a little smoother in the tummy area and thighs.  But I also am at a place where I wonder if I might end up wanting to lose just a little more than my original goal weight. 

I think that is a little depressing too, because if that's true... that to get a really slim, toned looking body I still need to lose say another 20ish pounds... then ugh... I still need to lose another 20 pounds!!!!  Well anyways, no need to think that far ahead now!  I'm finally close to hitting 150 pounds!  I feel pretty darn proud of the 80+ pounds I've lost so far!  I hope I soon jump back into a loving to workout, loving my mealplans mind set! 

I do have plans to do a 5k training program with a friend of mine at the gym very soon!  My hubby's work hours are finally slowing down a little so I can hopefully start getting to the gym again soon!  For me, getting to the gym last winter happened a little too late to curb my horrible winter blues that I am prone to experiencing.  So this year, we are putting it into action a little sooner.  I am starting to take a good vitamin D supplement, I am going to start going to the tanning beds for light therapy and of course the gym.... this will have the double benefit of getting me regular exercise as well as getting me out of the house to avoid 'cabin fever' in our bitter cold winter!

Clothes vs No clothes.

Life has gotten busy again and I haven't blogged in awhile.  I think my weightloss blogging is getting  dull.  I have nothing much new to report.  My weight is still coming off, I am 157 pounds as of this morning.  So 7 more pounds to reach my goal!!!  Pretty darn exciting!  I feel amazing with how things are going!  I think this is something I can easily keep doing!  Its just part of my life now.  I workout, I eat right.  I don't even enjoy the junk food to the same degree.  My hubby and I were discussing it and I said I used to think about food ALL THE TIME!  I would be plotting the next thing I was going to eat while I was eating!  It was obsessive!  Now I really don't think about food at all.  I know what I'm eating for the week and if anything I'm annoyed about food and often find myself wishing that I didn't HAVE to eat.  This is a huge change for me!  HUGE!  I really used food like a drug for quite a long time!  I can't believe that I actually weigh a little less than I did through high school!  I've lost a total of 83 pounds, which although phenominal, my poor body looks a little deflated.  I see loose saggy skin hanging off me in places.  So I love how I look in clothes, but I'm a little disappointed with how I look undressed.  But since my hubby loves the way I look, why should I care! 

Comparing All my "Diets"

Oh yes, I have a blog.  I keep forgetting!  So, on the weight loss journey.  Its still moving downward.  I don't have far to go!  It is a little frustrating to be so close to that goal I set so long ago but to be moving as fast as molasses uphill in January!  I started out Sept. 6 at 164.6 and ended Sept. 27 at 162.8  So I did lose in the end!  Only 1.8 pounds, but at least I didn't gain anything!   I'm down to that talked about "last 10 pounds"  well ALMOST!  haha.  As of this morning I weighed 161.4, so that is 11.4 pounds left.  I remember when I started running at the gym is January... weighing a massive 220 pounds and I lost a whopping 12 pounds or so that first month!  Now, close to the end of it all and I think I'll be lucky to lose this last 11.4 pounds by January!  (especially since I have Thanksgiving and Christmas in between!)  But, I don't mean to sound negative at all!  I actually need to immediately turn this into the biggest positive I can!  I FEEL GREAT!  Being this close to my goal means that every single time I get dressed, I am HAPPY with my reflection!  I look at the person standing there and I don't say "well, at least I have a pretty face" or "good thing my hair looks good today"  I look at ME from head to toe and say, "there is a beautiful, strong, healthy woman who is confident and happy!"  When I go to try on new clothes and fit into things that say "medium" in the tag.... or try on my teensy sister-in-laws leather jacket that has the word "small" in the tag and not only does it fit, but it looks GOOD.... I feel this sense of accomplishment that just hasn't completely sunk in yet.  I never plan on quitting Revolt by the way.  I see this as an awesome addition to my life.  It keeps me healthy, strong, confident and happy!  This isn't a "diet" its a way to live my life!

I want to make a huge comparison for you. 

CALORIE COUNTING     When I was dieting after having my boys, I was calorie counting.  I liked this and would call it "food budgeting" because I could eat anything I wanted so long as the numbers added up to whatever my magic number, decided by some online calorie calculator based on my height/weight/activity level, had told me to aim for.  I was always hungry.  I came to appreciate the hunger as a sign that I was losing weight.  When I would go to bed with a growling stomach I would think to myself  "I'm going to see a great number on that scale in the morning!"   I even started fasting every Monday.  To purge whatever weight I had gained over the weekend.  I would only drink around 500 calories.  Usually a couple protein shakes and a few energy drinks or coffee.  It always worked well and each time I did this calorie counting diet (twice) I would get down to around 185 pounds before getting pregnant again.   

EATING WELL AND EXERCISING   Before I started Revolt I decided to start the C25K running program with my awesome friend Sarah!  We were able to get to the gym 3 nights a week because my hubby's work hours slow down in the winter.  It was a fabulous start to exercising.  Any time I'd tried to do any workout videos I found them HARD.  The exercises were difficult, they were too fast paced, and I felt like I needed to have a degree in dance to follow the moves.  Running was dummy proof.  RUN FATTY RUN!  haha!   I didn't religiously count calories like I had in the past but simply tried to eat well and skip the junk.  I found that I quickly got into a food rut, eating the same thing every single day.  I lost 35 pounds, then hubby's work hours picked up so no gym for me.  I managed to maintain my loss by just eating well but I was stuck.  I was getting sick of my food and I wasn't losing weight.....

WWW.REVOLTNOWFITNESS.COM !!!!!    So about this time my wonderful sister-in-law Chelsea told me about this fitness thing she joined.  I protested.  I HATED workout videos and any meal plans I had seen had complicated recipes that made grocery shopping frustrating and EXPENSIVE.  I did not want to join up with this idea.  She convinced me finally to try the week free that is offered.  I figured, "why not".  I didn't have high hopes but gave it a go.  I was hooked by day 3!!!!  That's when I signed up for a year's subscription!  The exercises are just that... things like jumping jacks, push-ups and other SIMPLE movements that don't require fancy footwork or high speed routines!  I just needed to buy some equipment... which compared to the cost of most fitness programs or gym memberships, this was not an expensive endeavour.  As for the food, I love that rather than 1 week of 3 different recipes per day adding up to a whopping 18 NEW recipes with unfamiliar ingredients, we get 3 recipes for the whole week.  I can shop for that.  Since joining, I've had some things I hated and some I loved.  There is a huge list of acceptable substitutions so if you just HATE fish or tomatoes or whatever, sub it for something on the list!   I think the best part about the food is that I'm never hungry.  I'm always satisfied and happy with the meals I'm eating.  I eat more calories now at 161.4 pounds than I was living off of at 185 pounds!!!  Yes, that's right... because I've built up muscle, I can EAT MORE!!!!  Because my body is burning calories just being at rest because I'm so strong and AWESOME!   I'm seeing muscle definition and I'm even seeing some of my "loose skin" starting to tighten up little by little!  And let me tell you I'm still not even that good at these exercises!  I can still barely do a "girl" push-up, I struggle to squeeze 12 burpees out and my arms are quivering after 15 seconds of my 30 second plank!

I will admit that I'm increasingly tempted to drastically reduce my calories just to see these last few pounds come off.  It would be so exciting to quickly jump to that goal.  But, I keep reminding myself that at this point, why would I want to lose that lean mass?  Why would I want to get out of the good habits I've been instilling and most of all.... why would I want to live hungry again???  Besides, I'm actually pretty darn happy with how I look right now  :)  So I see no reason to make myself miserable! 

Thank goodness for calipers!

I think I'm getting much more consistent with using my calipers... and either way if I'm doing it wrong at least I'm doing it wrong consistently :)  I'm losing a LOT more slowly than I have been this whole process but to be honest my caliper measurements did have me losing a little bit of lean mass for a bit.  I, being a slave to my scale, ignore that fact instead just happy to see my BIG number getting smaller.  So here are the screen shots of my body fat % calculations.

I'd have to look up the dates that correlate to these screen shots but if you'll notice I had actually lost 2 pounds of lean mass at the beginning of this month and I haven't lost a damn thing all month so far so I figured I really out to pull out my trusty calipers and take some measurements... so stinkin glad I did!!!  See??!  I was busy building up my lean mass!  I lost almost 2% of body fat even though my scale stayed the same  :)  

THIS is why the scale cannot be your only tool for measuring progress!  I'm so happy that I take these measurements  :)

Oh... and in case you're wondering on the consistency of those bottom two numbers... I can never remember which is subscapular or iliac so I just plug those into either because I've swapped them around and the calculator still comes up with the same numbers on top :) 

I would never have thought to do this if not for Nichole at www.revoltnowfitness.com !!!  If you want awesome support, great workouts, fabulous meal plans... join up!  I swear you'll love it!!!!

What a week.

So I had a bad week.  I went out with some girlfriends last Saturday night and although I had a fabulously fun night, I was out WAAAAY past my bedtime.  But of course moms don't get to take a "day off" and recoup so I was working with a sleep deficit already.  Monday, I slept till 7am instead of 5 so I had to send the big kids off to school before working out.  I found it really irritating trying to work out with the lil ones underfoot.  I had a bad sleep and slept till 7 again Tuesday morning!  Being in a bad mood I decided to skip that workout and make it up Wednesday (which is normally my rest day). 

Well, Tuesday night my hubby was working late.  I hadn't heard from him since early Tuesday morning and as the evening wore on, I became more and more worried.  By midnight I was feeling actually quite panicky.  His phone was going straight to machine and even logging into his "find my phone" app on the computer didn't turn up any hits on a map.  I tried to go to sleep and had a restless worried nap for a couple hours.  At that point I called the local hospital.... seriously I did.  At 3am sick of tossing and turning I thought maybe watching some tv would take my mind off my hubby.  Finally, at 4:30am my phone rang!  He was still an hour away but finally calling me!  Turns out that he was working on someone's septic system quite far away.  He didn't arrive until around 8pm and was working till around 11:30.  He had no cell signal in the area.  On the drive home he started falling asleep at the wheel so thought he'd pull over and nap for a bit.  Well he fell asleep till 4am!!!  

What a stressful beginning to my week.  I kinda "threw in the towel" with regards to workouts.  I got one more in on Thursday.  As for food, I was half and half.  I tried to eat on menu, but also made some reasonable substitutions and made some all out "bad" choices.  In the end, I maintained last week's weight!  Which I was super happy about since I had such a wonky week.

This week is starting off pretty good!  Had a relaxing weekend with my family, had a nice long talk with hubby about how other people have phones too.  The kids have the day off school today which is nice because I didn't quite get caught up on laundry.  The only bad thing is my baby girl seems to have come down with something so she is feverish, whiny and clingy  :( 

I did my workout already!  I didn't quite get up for 5, seems I'm really struggling to accomplish this.  I need to get to bed mega early tonight to see if I can sort myself out.  I'm excited to start a new week of new food... the menu looks really nummy!  I'm getting a little sick of booty month, feel like I'm losing all that nice muscle tone from my arms :(  Plus my legs are just killing me!  Well, I'm off to make a cup of coffee!